The Dreaded

Death does not always have to be physical. What other things can die or feel like a death?
- http://journalingprompts.com/#


I will always remember that feeling. The feeling of "losing" a role model-someone I looked up to. Realizing they weren't who I thought there were is what felt like death to me. Everything that I had known to like about the person (their values, their loyalty, their honesty) was all a lie. All the things they told me, all the things I thought they could be, and all of the respect I had for them vanished once I realized they were the exact opposite of who they seemed to be. That feeling was as if something was shutting down inside of me. Like a brick wall was blocking my thoughts and keeping me from going anywhere. That is what death of a role model felt like to me. Role models are important and with all of mine turning out to be the exact opposite of a role model, I felt that death quite a bit. But none of them hurt as those first few (or even that very first one).

An ending to a wonderful, feel good movie feels like death to me. If the movie is just right, where I feel there has been a real story line, plot, and the characters feel like family, then when the credits roll, it feels empty and hollow, and it feels like death of a story. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants was a great example of this. The movie was so incredibly good. Feel good, the characters grew on me throughout the movie. And then came the ending. The big build up to the credits. The loud music you just know means the end. And that is when my heart began to ache. I could tell that the ending to this wonderful journey was about to end (the "death" of a story, if you will) and I felt lonely. I did not want this movie to end. And as the credits rolled, it took a lot of me not to cry. I wanted to cry. No, I wanted to rewind time and relive that movie over and over because it felt so good to watch it. And the stories that built up throughout the movie, the lovable characters, the stories that the movie told... they all died off with the credits. That was the end of those exact stories, those exact instances, and those exact plots. It was all over. It was a death of a great movie.

The same goes for a great book, too. Reading that book and getting so indepth and into that book, where it actually becomes like another life to you. When the book ends, that is like death. Death of a story, of substance of characters, and of the feeling you get when reading the book. As if you are in another world. A world filled with so much more than reality. Possibilities, friends, imagination. It all dies off when the book ends. And then it is hard to move on from that touching book. It is a time of "mourning" as you await to heal from ending the book.

That is what non-physical death feels like to me. I know what reality death feels like (to have lost someone). Who hasn't? But it's the feeling of losing another life, a world of freedom and possibilities that also hurts.