Breastfeeding

One thing that I am most proud of in my lifetime is providing my daughter with breastmilk the first year of her life. Yes, I mention it every now and then, and yes I love to brag about it because I feel very proud of myself.

My daughter started out feeding at the breast. But, being a first time mom and not knowing any better, I introduced the bottle too early and thus she started her "nipple preference". I say nipple preference, not confusion, because my daughter did not have confusion. She preferred the bottle, plain and simple. She was not confused, no she definitely was not. When I attempted several times to get her back to the breast, she knew. She knew even before I put her at the breast that "hey, this is the nipple I actually have to work at to get my milk, whereas, the bottle nipple makes it come faster and less work". So, no, she did not have confusion. She wanted the faster bottle.
This was about the 2nd month after she was born that this occurred and my heart broke. Unless a woman has been a breastfeeding mother before, it is truly hard to describe this kind of sadness. I know that she did not mean anything personal by it, but I wanted her to want my breast, not the bottle.

After about 2-3 exhausting weeks of trying so much to get her back to the breast, and with no luck, I made a personal decision to exclusively pump. I had this crazy idea. Hey, she would be getting breast milk either way and it didn't really matter which nipple it came from, right? I thought it was a kind of crazy idea, but apparently I wasn't the first to think of it (though it wasn't really widely known, either, therefore I did not have many books or resources to guide me). With the help of WIC, I began my exclusive pumping.

I would pump every 2-3 hours (after saying it so often, to so many curious people, it became a personal motto) and with the support of my daughter's father and my mother, I actually got my milk supply up and to a good start! At first, this wasn't my favorite choice (though it was a choice, because I wanted her to have the breast milk). I was exhausted. Purely drained on top of being a mother to a newborn.
Especially since I was so adamant about making sure the pump parts were cleaned after every use (and I did this for almost an entire year!); I was beyond exhausted. I would take the pump parts, hook it up to the pump, pump for 15-20 minutes, then store the milk in the fridge. I would then clean the pump parts really good and then be done for the next 2-2.5 hours.

I remember one of the ladies at the WIC office, who helped me out so much, saying that she couldn't imagine pumping the whole year, but I actually did it. I am still in shock that I did.

On top of my cleaning routine with the pump/pump parts, I had a diet. I cut out every single caffeine source, including chocolate, soda, tea, and coffee. It was during this that I discovered my addiction to Reese's Pieces because though they tasted a little like chocolate to me, they had no caffeine! I drank a decent amount of milk and a lot of water throughout the year and limited myself to a can of Sprite or 7-UP every month or so.

I kept myself clean and sanitary in the area that provided milk for my daughter. I would use breast pads everyday, clean and new everyday. And my day of pumping would begin around 6am-7am and end with a final pumping of the day around 10:30 pm.

This schedule was demanding and I had to make sure to follow it. If I went to see an occasional movie, I would bring the handheld pump and would discretely pump in the movie theater. It was necessary. In order to keep up my supply, I had to keep up the demand. Which many people did not get.

I had a freezer full of milk for my daughter, and yet my sister would ask why I was still pumping. She surely has never had kids! She did not understand that it is a supply and demand system and even if I did give my daughter all the milk in the freezer, it would have only lasted a week at most!

The week that I stopped pumping (the week my daughter turned 1) I felt a little bit of relief and lot of sadness, too. I had become attached to providing my daughter with my milk and even though I so missed her at the breast (even to this day, if I hold her in a certain position next to my chest, I will begin to miss the breast feeding closeness), I was excited to not have to keep up this schedule.

I iced my breasts for about 2 weeks and that truly, amazingly helped! It was weird not pumping and sometimes I would catch myself thinking, when I was out, "uh oh, I gotta get home so I can pump" but then remember that I stopped. It took about a month or two to finally get used to not pumping.

I still do miss the closeness of breast feeding and it will bring tears to my eyes. I don't think anything can beat that feeling. It is a great feeling and it is no wonder that many women are proactive about breast feeding. I think that every mother needs to at least try (if they can) to breast feed because it's that closeness that cannot be replaced. The skin-on-skin contact is what I miss. The feeling of her against me. And knowing that I was cradling her in my arms or beside my belly, and she would get so comfortable that she would sometimes fall asleep!

I truly miss that.
And I truly am so proud of myself for pumping/breastfeeding for the entire first year!
Go me!!





October 5th, 2011